not gonna eat MY brains.

i am a huge fan of amc’s television drama the walking dead, mostly because it covers a subject that is near and dear to my heart. zombies.

over the years i have become more interested in zombies and the potential for a zombie apocalypse. admittedly, i was not the biggest zombie/zombie movie fan at the beginning acknowledgement of their possible existence, but the fact of the matter is… i’m a survivor. and wanting to be prepared as possible, i have ran over possible scenarios, weaponry, and survival kits to ensure i will be roaming this earth long after the last zombie has had its brain blown out.

to my slight reluctance, i am willing to share parts of my zombie survival plan with everyone. i am not sure how much i want to indulge (survival of the fittest, afterall), but these few things are key.

1. get yourself to a farm — sorry, city dwellers, but if a zombie apocalypse has started and you are still in an overpopulated city, you’re already fucked. unless you’ve successfully locked every other human out of the wal-mart you have just relocated into (you heartless jerk), you need safe harbor, you need wide open spaces to maneuver, and you potentially need cows.

2. cows and/or supplies — okay, not so much cows, but you do need a food source. a garden would be nice. cows/pigs/chickens/sheep/livestock in general are also nice. not only can you butcher the livestock for an endless supply of filot mignon or bacon (mmm, bacon), you can throw a chicken or young pig or sheep (let’s be realistic about a zombie attack… you probably can’t throw a cow) at a hoard of zombies to distract them from trying to rip you apart limb from limb and eat your innards.

also, by supplies i mean guns or weaponry. i hope you have already thought of this. i suggest weapons that keep you at a safe distance– guns are good, but they are loud and, well, deadly even to humans. arrows are good (get a cross bow, no one has time to learn old school arrow shooting), spears have potential. just beware of using close up weapons like a pick ax or knife. for one, you need to hit their brain (that’s the only way they die), and getting that close to their mouths could enable you to get bit before you deal the final blow. also, keep your mouth closed while killing– zombie splatter into open orifices can also cause infection.

3. good friends — i mean, not so good of friends that it is going to impair your judgement of whether or not you should shoot them if they become infected, but good friends are a must in survival. and by “good” i also mean good for you. you need people who are also survivalists and who can bring something to the table, whether it be hunters or doctors or just someone who is easy on the eyes (you might need to repopulate the earth, afterall). you also don’t want too big of a group– ten people at the most. any more than that and it can start going all ‘lord of the flies’ and people be power trippin’ all over the farm.

on a smiliar note, you also want to make sure you are not the weakest link in your group. if you’re the weakest, i’m not going to say you are going to die first… you should already know this. (you are going to die first.)

4. practice, practice, practice — i can’t stress this enough- it’s important to be prepared. and i’m not only talking about canned foods and gauze wrap (although, speaking of, you should have plenty of both). have you watched any zombie movies to find their strengths and weaknesses? do you know how fast can you shed a jacket if a zombie has a hold on it? can you reload a gun in the blink of an eye?

if you haven’t thought of any of the above (*cough* weakest link *cough*), i will give you a simple exercise to start with. i call it the “trip and recover.” practice falling to the ground and getting up as quickly as you can. because, let’s face it, if you fall… your “good” friends aren’t coming back for you. i was a sprinter in high school- i don’t necessarily need stamina… i just need to outrun the slowest person. and i’m not a bad enough person that i would shoot you in the knee cap to ensure that i will be quicker, but i’m not a good enough person to be taken down beside you.

so obviously this is not all the information that you need to survive a zombie attack, but they are the basics. maybe in a more advanced course we can discuss clean water sources, how to reenforce your farm, and other survival tactics.

i wish you all luck, and hope to see you in the new world.

2 responses to “not gonna eat MY brains.

  1. 1. Does Farmville count? I hate it, but I’d be willing to make that change in order to live.

    • ooh i didn’t think about that– but i’d say probably not, because i think you need to have more people for your things to expand. i can’t have people on my farm wanting to give away my chickens or showing me their new purple plant if i just have 3 more people join.

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